I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
We left an ass print on the piano.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
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