I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
