I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
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