dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
