I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
