Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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