you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Bring me that man meat
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
