When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
no. you can't hotbox the world.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
