I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
