I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Randomize
