i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Randomize
