the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
