i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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