just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
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