dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize