to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
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