I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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