She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
