My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
you had me at cake vodka
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
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