peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
