as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
