if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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