apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize