I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Someone shattered a urinal.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
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