Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Randomize
