My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Randomize
