everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
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