ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
