Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
