Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Can vaginas get frostbite?
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Randomize
