she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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