He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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