my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
