dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
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