Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Randomize