Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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