When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
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