I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
