I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
