woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
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