I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
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