Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
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