Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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