I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Randomize