I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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