I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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