If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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