So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
