My girlfriend figured out who you are.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Randomize
