Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
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