i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Randomize
