i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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