I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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