Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
