seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
