So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Randomize
