Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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