Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
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