he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Randomize
