I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
