I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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