we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
So squirting runs in the family.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
