Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
where are my eyebrows?
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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