He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
