I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
