how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
