I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
