I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
