I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
