You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
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