I want to have your abortion
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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